Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

I have literally nothing to do at work. I turned in my two week notice this past Monday, as my iPod random ten predicted. And now I'm just sitting here, utterly bored. No new work coming my way, all my existing work done. They should just let me go today.

I'm snooping around Pitchfork Media, feeling like a loser (cause, really, that site is pathetically pretentious and who the fuck would want to be there if there was anything else to do?) when I spot a headline about Q-Tip, one of guys from A Tribe Called Quest. I know next to nothing about hip-hop; I only know that I liked the Beastie Boys and A.T.C.Q back in 93, and haven't found anything else since that doesn't make me sad for the state of mankind. But I went ahead and clicked over to this little blurb, in case it said something like "Q-Tip does a new record that sounds exactly like ATCQ in '93! All you lamers who are stuck in the last millennium rejoice! Whatwhat?!"

It was worse than that:

Kanye once said Dilla's drums "can't ever be topped." There's nothing like tragedy when it comes to legitimizing hyperbole, huh? These kick drums sound like John Goodman farting on the Challenger while it blows up. The heartbeat of Q-Tip's floptastic solo jernt, which was produced almost entirely by the man in question, has got three different samples looped up, weaving and sneezing on each other. Each one-- the frisky guitar, the Vibrettes drums, and ESG's "UFO" skylight swerve-- has an identity of its own, but is also syncopated deep into the track. The multiple samples are appropriate, considering the jam is about riding around in your whip knocking your favorite music out the woofers. I guess the Abstract's lothario shtick ain't so bad in retrospect, but really, no one's listening for that racket. It works because it's complicated and sloppy. Nobody knows how to intentionally fuck up a track anymore.

Hmmm... I got nothing better to do, so I'm going to go through this fucker one line at a time.

Kanye once said Dilla's drums "can't ever be topped."

I recognize the name "Kanye"; no idea who "Dilla" is, or what he has to do with this Q-Tip song. If there is a relation, a review would be a good place to put it, no ?

There's nothing like tragedy when it comes to legitimizing hyperbole, huh?

Perhaps. What?

These kick drums sound like John Goodman farting on the Challenger while it blows up.

I guess that's the tragedy and the hyperbole thing. But I don't know what on earth, or in space, that would sound like. I can appreciate the sound of fart, and I can imagine the sound of a Space Shuttle exploding .. but the two together? The engineer in me says: Given the size of a shuttle, you'd only hear the explosion, no matter how big the ass. But this guy hears the combination...

The heartbeat of Q-Tip's floptastic solo jernt, which was produced almost entirely by the man in question, has got three different samples looped up, weaving and sneezing on each other.

Jernt? Which man? What's the question?

Each one-- the frisky guitar, the Vibrettes drums, and ESG's "UFO" skylight swerve-- has an identity of its own, but is also syncopated deep into the track.

I think I know what he's trying to say with "syncopated deep into the track", but that seems like a lousy way to say it.

The multiple samples are appropriate, considering the jam is about riding around in your whip knocking your favorite music out the woofers.

I think there's a bit of logic missing from that. How does the number of samples make anything more or less appropriate for driving around ? Is a song without samples inappropriate?

I guess the Abstract's lothario shtick ain't so bad in retrospect, but really, no one's listening for that racket.

I think I understand this one: "Abstract" is Q-Tip's pseudonym name - right, a guy named "Q-Tip" has a nickname. And I guess he's doing "shtick" these days. I'll give a half letter grade bonus for "lothario", though.

It works because it's complicated and sloppy. Nobody knows how to intentionally fuck up a track anymore.

Those two sentences are fighting each other: The first thumbs its nose at the second; the second one questions the validity of the first.

Overall, the review doesn't work - because it's complicated and sloppy. C-.